Making it through

Tick tock tick tock...

I can hear this sound every time there's a moment of silence in my life. The clock keeps ticking and it keeps reminding me with some cruel intentions, probably enjoying how it keeps me up at night.

I've had blogs before, nothing popular, just outlets for me and this one's no exception. My life keeps having bumps like everyone else's and things have taken more than unexpected turn. I need to write it all down.

My Husband came home from Afghanistan just over a year ago, and things are more than difficult. Does he have ptsd? Will he get help? No. Do I try every way possible to get him to reach out? Of course. The biggest issue of all that is...how it's affecting me and that may sound selfish but I cater to him and my daughter all the time and this place is for me. It's not the difficulty of the ptsd per say he was always an angrier person (as I was but I went to get help as a youngin') now though...it's like I've become a verbal punching bag. I try to hold on, but I'm going to be honest, my self esteem is no longer existent and I have no urge to leave the house. Now the blame isn't completely on him, as a woman I am no stranger to low self esteem and I have always much rather keep to myself (I am not anti social, most of my friends are in different cities/states/countries).

I miss the person I married almost three years ago, he believed it was a partnership that I was his equal and now I am a stupid f***ing liar, an annoying bitch, and the source of all his problems. I cry so much it's pathetic, that's what I am, pathetic. I will admit full out that I am not easy to deal with but despite how much I want to, I keep myself from saying hurtful things because I know what it feels like. I have never been a great housekeeper we got married when we were (and still are) young but I have been trying so much harder. I know he has tried to but he gives up for a few weeks then tries to try again, he points out if I don't do dishes, said if he had any actual control over me the toys would always be picked up and has just closed off from me completely. I'm not asking for advice or pats on the back, I'm telling this because God forbid something happens, there's something to say hey, this wasn't random, it's been going on. Just to point out though I pick up all those damn toys every night, I crawl around hunting for those blasted lego pieces like they're part of a scavenger hunt. As for dishes, I have been sick for three days and you know what, I'm not sorry I skipped a day.

Obviously I'm still angry, but I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to cope. Leaving isn't always the best option, I stopped college almost half way through my Junior year to run off and marry him, my choice, not his, and of course it was dumb. I have no financial footing so before I can ever think of it, I have to finish my education and let's face it, in a divorce without actual evidence he would get joint custody. If he treats me like this, what's to say he will be any better to her in a few years? He already yells at her and gets extremely worked up. She's turning two next month. I hardly think she's deserved that harsh of treatment.