I couldn't write seeing the Tragedy that happened almost a week ago, it didn't seem appropriate. I'm not going to go on and on here. I only ask for all of us to hope and pray (if you pray) with Newtown. They will get through this but it's a long hard road.
On to happier items, I spent my evening last night wrapping presents and am done for quite a while (I would have been done but I just used a gift card given to my daughter to buy more presents for her).
I have applied to the University finally, and I am excited but also sick to my stomach, I wanted to spend these years with my Daughter to devote myself as the best Mother I can be but this is important for her too. To realize you can finish things you start, even if it's hard and it's been a while.
Also I will be posting a HUGE list of Christmas movies I (and my Daughter) have watched, I'm telling you be prepared!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Needing help, an intervention, a miracle.
My Husband diligently says, believes, and will always believe that he does not have PTSD. If that is truly the case that means....that he is just this way naturally. How does someone handle that?
Thanksgiving went ok, my parents actually make a nice buffer though that hasn't stopped him from degrading me in front of them at least once a trip.
His family all of a sudden has come out of the woodworks to say how much they dislike me and how lazy, LAZY I am for being a stay at home Mom. Telling him that I need to get a job or go back to school (I left school of my own volition to marry and be with him, I could not transfer because I was missing ONE HOUR of math and there were no community colleges that offered the course I needed in the area, on top of it he was a Lance Corporal, we couldn't afford it or daycare when our Daughter came along. NOT to mention that the daycare on base had a year waiting list and we were going to move within a year either way. Yea why didn't I jump back in?)
I am the sole emotional provider for our child and I do everything for her. I change every diaper, I feed her every meal, I put her to bed every night. He is only awake/home for one or two hours when she's awake every day. How dare they treat me like I'm worthless. No wonder he always treats me like it, they all agree!
I've also been accused of keeping him away from his family even though he has told them time and time and time again that it is not me but him who doesn't want to visit. That I want him to see his family and be close to them. Then his Mother and Brother say I'm only nice to her when I want something from her. Except for the fact that I hate it when she gets me anything because there's always a price tag attached.
I should be happy that he called to defend me, but when he's saying 'I handle my wife, you have a problem with her you tell me and I'll deal with her.' Great, apparently I'm livestock. He also said that if he wanted me to have a job, I'd have a job. What the hell has happened to me? I am 24 years old, I was on the dean's list, the president's list, and in Golden Key National Honors society in college before I left. So please tell me how I can be so stupid. I know this is one big piddle rant but I am drowning and I can't do anything about it. I have to finish my degree first (a mid-year Junior with 88 out of 120 hours, not bad for never having taken a summer class, huh?) and then get a job because I want to. But, no matter what I do I have to share joint custody with him and I'm not trying to be vengeful but I am honestly afraid of leaving her with him in that sort of situation and she wouldn't be with him except Sunday and that is is his only day off. On top of it all I would not be able to leave the city/county because of this State's divorce laws. So I am begging anyone who has been through this to reach out to me. It doesn't have to be some public comment, please email me at dramahuman@gmail.com
At the end of my rope here, if he continues to think of me as his inferior, his property, how do I justify staying?
Thanksgiving went ok, my parents actually make a nice buffer though that hasn't stopped him from degrading me in front of them at least once a trip.
His family all of a sudden has come out of the woodworks to say how much they dislike me and how lazy, LAZY I am for being a stay at home Mom. Telling him that I need to get a job or go back to school (I left school of my own volition to marry and be with him, I could not transfer because I was missing ONE HOUR of math and there were no community colleges that offered the course I needed in the area, on top of it he was a Lance Corporal, we couldn't afford it or daycare when our Daughter came along. NOT to mention that the daycare on base had a year waiting list and we were going to move within a year either way. Yea why didn't I jump back in?)
I am the sole emotional provider for our child and I do everything for her. I change every diaper, I feed her every meal, I put her to bed every night. He is only awake/home for one or two hours when she's awake every day. How dare they treat me like I'm worthless. No wonder he always treats me like it, they all agree!
I've also been accused of keeping him away from his family even though he has told them time and time and time again that it is not me but him who doesn't want to visit. That I want him to see his family and be close to them. Then his Mother and Brother say I'm only nice to her when I want something from her. Except for the fact that I hate it when she gets me anything because there's always a price tag attached.
I should be happy that he called to defend me, but when he's saying 'I handle my wife, you have a problem with her you tell me and I'll deal with her.' Great, apparently I'm livestock. He also said that if he wanted me to have a job, I'd have a job. What the hell has happened to me? I am 24 years old, I was on the dean's list, the president's list, and in Golden Key National Honors society in college before I left. So please tell me how I can be so stupid. I know this is one big piddle rant but I am drowning and I can't do anything about it. I have to finish my degree first (a mid-year Junior with 88 out of 120 hours, not bad for never having taken a summer class, huh?) and then get a job because I want to. But, no matter what I do I have to share joint custody with him and I'm not trying to be vengeful but I am honestly afraid of leaving her with him in that sort of situation and she wouldn't be with him except Sunday and that is is his only day off. On top of it all I would not be able to leave the city/county because of this State's divorce laws. So I am begging anyone who has been through this to reach out to me. It doesn't have to be some public comment, please email me at dramahuman@gmail.com
At the end of my rope here, if he continues to think of me as his inferior, his property, how do I justify staying?
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thankful
Despite everything I may be going through or not going through (depending on the day haha) I am of course still thankful.
My Daughter is the most wonderful little person...ever. Being her Mother I do not consider myself biased ;) . No matter what happens I will always be better for her being here on this Earth. So I am thankful for my Husband, I would not have our Daughter without him and I still love the man he was [Admittedly that's most likely my problem]. My parents have been wonderful, always have been, and always will be. I'm very thankful for them and I hope I am as strong as my Mom someday. I could go on with family members but I am thankful for all of my family, that includes the fury ones!
Thanksgiving should be pretty nice this year, my parents will be with me, the first time we've had Thanksgiving in three years so I'm excited. I will be doing all the cooking, and if I am not terribly lazy I might try to get some pictures of food on here and pretend that I'm artistic (I am musically inclined...everything else after that is questionable). The new recipes are what I'm looking forward to, doing something different. Besides I can finally start watching Christmas movies. Honestly Halloween is my favorite holiday buuuut I have a huge Christmas movie addiction, I am trying so hard to not touch any of them at least until Thanksgiving Day. I'll let you know if I fall off the bus with that one!
The Husband will only have Thanksgiving Day off and despite everything I wish he had a little more time off, on top of all the other things going on with him, I feel he's been overworked since starting his Civilian job.
He thinks this new job is the best thing since sliced bread whereas I'm hesitant as his moods really started getting erratic after getting out of the Corps and starting his job. More of an update on that, he's been in a better mood the past couple of days and I really really really hope it will carry through the holidays (individually or all together, not picky right now). Talking to him, I was able to get him to open up the teensiest bit but like before he's clammed up with that now and I will just give him his space.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
My Daughter is the most wonderful little person...ever. Being her Mother I do not consider myself biased ;) . No matter what happens I will always be better for her being here on this Earth. So I am thankful for my Husband, I would not have our Daughter without him and I still love the man he was [Admittedly that's most likely my problem]. My parents have been wonderful, always have been, and always will be. I'm very thankful for them and I hope I am as strong as my Mom someday. I could go on with family members but I am thankful for all of my family, that includes the fury ones!
Thanksgiving should be pretty nice this year, my parents will be with me, the first time we've had Thanksgiving in three years so I'm excited. I will be doing all the cooking, and if I am not terribly lazy I might try to get some pictures of food on here and pretend that I'm artistic (I am musically inclined...everything else after that is questionable). The new recipes are what I'm looking forward to, doing something different. Besides I can finally start watching Christmas movies. Honestly Halloween is my favorite holiday buuuut I have a huge Christmas movie addiction, I am trying so hard to not touch any of them at least until Thanksgiving Day. I'll let you know if I fall off the bus with that one!
The Husband will only have Thanksgiving Day off and despite everything I wish he had a little more time off, on top of all the other things going on with him, I feel he's been overworked since starting his Civilian job.
He thinks this new job is the best thing since sliced bread whereas I'm hesitant as his moods really started getting erratic after getting out of the Corps and starting his job. More of an update on that, he's been in a better mood the past couple of days and I really really really hope it will carry through the holidays (individually or all together, not picky right now). Talking to him, I was able to get him to open up the teensiest bit but like before he's clammed up with that now and I will just give him his space.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Making it through
Tick tock tick tock...
I can hear this sound every time there's a moment of silence in my life. The clock keeps ticking and it keeps reminding me with some cruel intentions, probably enjoying how it keeps me up at night.
I've had blogs before, nothing popular, just outlets for me and this one's no exception. My life keeps having bumps like everyone else's and things have taken more than unexpected turn. I need to write it all down.
My Husband came home from Afghanistan just over a year ago, and things are more than difficult. Does he have ptsd? Will he get help? No. Do I try every way possible to get him to reach out? Of course. The biggest issue of all that is...how it's affecting me and that may sound selfish but I cater to him and my daughter all the time and this place is for me. It's not the difficulty of the ptsd per say he was always an angrier person (as I was but I went to get help as a youngin') now though...it's like I've become a verbal punching bag. I try to hold on, but I'm going to be honest, my self esteem is no longer existent and I have no urge to leave the house. Now the blame isn't completely on him, as a woman I am no stranger to low self esteem and I have always much rather keep to myself (I am not anti social, most of my friends are in different cities/states/countries).
I miss the person I married almost three years ago, he believed it was a partnership that I was his equal and now I am a stupid f***ing liar, an annoying bitch, and the source of all his problems. I cry so much it's pathetic, that's what I am, pathetic. I will admit full out that I am not easy to deal with but despite how much I want to, I keep myself from saying hurtful things because I know what it feels like. I have never been a great housekeeper we got married when we were (and still are) young but I have been trying so much harder. I know he has tried to but he gives up for a few weeks then tries to try again, he points out if I don't do dishes, said if he had any actual control over me the toys would always be picked up and has just closed off from me completely. I'm not asking for advice or pats on the back, I'm telling this because God forbid something happens, there's something to say hey, this wasn't random, it's been going on. Just to point out though I pick up all those damn toys every night, I crawl around hunting for those blasted lego pieces like they're part of a scavenger hunt. As for dishes, I have been sick for three days and you know what, I'm not sorry I skipped a day.
Obviously I'm still angry, but I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to cope. Leaving isn't always the best option, I stopped college almost half way through my Junior year to run off and marry him, my choice, not his, and of course it was dumb. I have no financial footing so before I can ever think of it, I have to finish my education and let's face it, in a divorce without actual evidence he would get joint custody. If he treats me like this, what's to say he will be any better to her in a few years? He already yells at her and gets extremely worked up. She's turning two next month. I hardly think she's deserved that harsh of treatment.
I can hear this sound every time there's a moment of silence in my life. The clock keeps ticking and it keeps reminding me with some cruel intentions, probably enjoying how it keeps me up at night.
I've had blogs before, nothing popular, just outlets for me and this one's no exception. My life keeps having bumps like everyone else's and things have taken more than unexpected turn. I need to write it all down.
My Husband came home from Afghanistan just over a year ago, and things are more than difficult. Does he have ptsd? Will he get help? No. Do I try every way possible to get him to reach out? Of course. The biggest issue of all that is...how it's affecting me and that may sound selfish but I cater to him and my daughter all the time and this place is for me. It's not the difficulty of the ptsd per say he was always an angrier person (as I was but I went to get help as a youngin') now though...it's like I've become a verbal punching bag. I try to hold on, but I'm going to be honest, my self esteem is no longer existent and I have no urge to leave the house. Now the blame isn't completely on him, as a woman I am no stranger to low self esteem and I have always much rather keep to myself (I am not anti social, most of my friends are in different cities/states/countries).
I miss the person I married almost three years ago, he believed it was a partnership that I was his equal and now I am a stupid f***ing liar, an annoying bitch, and the source of all his problems. I cry so much it's pathetic, that's what I am, pathetic. I will admit full out that I am not easy to deal with but despite how much I want to, I keep myself from saying hurtful things because I know what it feels like. I have never been a great housekeeper we got married when we were (and still are) young but I have been trying so much harder. I know he has tried to but he gives up for a few weeks then tries to try again, he points out if I don't do dishes, said if he had any actual control over me the toys would always be picked up and has just closed off from me completely. I'm not asking for advice or pats on the back, I'm telling this because God forbid something happens, there's something to say hey, this wasn't random, it's been going on. Just to point out though I pick up all those damn toys every night, I crawl around hunting for those blasted lego pieces like they're part of a scavenger hunt. As for dishes, I have been sick for three days and you know what, I'm not sorry I skipped a day.
Obviously I'm still angry, but I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to cope. Leaving isn't always the best option, I stopped college almost half way through my Junior year to run off and marry him, my choice, not his, and of course it was dumb. I have no financial footing so before I can ever think of it, I have to finish my education and let's face it, in a divorce without actual evidence he would get joint custody. If he treats me like this, what's to say he will be any better to her in a few years? He already yells at her and gets extremely worked up. She's turning two next month. I hardly think she's deserved that harsh of treatment.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)