Despite everything I may be going through or not going through (depending on the day haha) I am of course still thankful.
My Daughter is the most wonderful little person...ever. Being her Mother I do not consider myself biased ;) . No matter what happens I will always be better for her being here on this Earth. So I am thankful for my Husband, I would not have our Daughter without him and I still love the man he was [Admittedly that's most likely my problem]. My parents have been wonderful, always have been, and always will be. I'm very thankful for them and I hope I am as strong as my Mom someday. I could go on with family members but I am thankful for all of my family, that includes the fury ones!
Thanksgiving should be pretty nice this year, my parents will be with me, the first time we've had Thanksgiving in three years so I'm excited. I will be doing all the cooking, and if I am not terribly lazy I might try to get some pictures of food on here and pretend that I'm artistic (I am musically inclined...everything else after that is questionable). The new recipes are what I'm looking forward to, doing something different. Besides I can finally start watching Christmas movies. Honestly Halloween is my favorite holiday buuuut I have a huge Christmas movie addiction, I am trying so hard to not touch any of them at least until Thanksgiving Day. I'll let you know if I fall off the bus with that one!
The Husband will only have Thanksgiving Day off and despite everything I wish he had a little more time off, on top of all the other things going on with him, I feel he's been overworked since starting his Civilian job.
He thinks this new job is the best thing since sliced bread whereas I'm hesitant as his moods really started getting erratic after getting out of the Corps and starting his job. More of an update on that, he's been in a better mood the past couple of days and I really really really hope it will carry through the holidays (individually or all together, not picky right now). Talking to him, I was able to get him to open up the teensiest bit but like before he's clammed up with that now and I will just give him his space.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Making it through
Tick tock tick tock...
I can hear this sound every time there's a moment of silence in my life. The clock keeps ticking and it keeps reminding me with some cruel intentions, probably enjoying how it keeps me up at night.
I've had blogs before, nothing popular, just outlets for me and this one's no exception. My life keeps having bumps like everyone else's and things have taken more than unexpected turn. I need to write it all down.
My Husband came home from Afghanistan just over a year ago, and things are more than difficult. Does he have ptsd? Will he get help? No. Do I try every way possible to get him to reach out? Of course. The biggest issue of all that is...how it's affecting me and that may sound selfish but I cater to him and my daughter all the time and this place is for me. It's not the difficulty of the ptsd per say he was always an angrier person (as I was but I went to get help as a youngin') now though...it's like I've become a verbal punching bag. I try to hold on, but I'm going to be honest, my self esteem is no longer existent and I have no urge to leave the house. Now the blame isn't completely on him, as a woman I am no stranger to low self esteem and I have always much rather keep to myself (I am not anti social, most of my friends are in different cities/states/countries).
I miss the person I married almost three years ago, he believed it was a partnership that I was his equal and now I am a stupid f***ing liar, an annoying bitch, and the source of all his problems. I cry so much it's pathetic, that's what I am, pathetic. I will admit full out that I am not easy to deal with but despite how much I want to, I keep myself from saying hurtful things because I know what it feels like. I have never been a great housekeeper we got married when we were (and still are) young but I have been trying so much harder. I know he has tried to but he gives up for a few weeks then tries to try again, he points out if I don't do dishes, said if he had any actual control over me the toys would always be picked up and has just closed off from me completely. I'm not asking for advice or pats on the back, I'm telling this because God forbid something happens, there's something to say hey, this wasn't random, it's been going on. Just to point out though I pick up all those damn toys every night, I crawl around hunting for those blasted lego pieces like they're part of a scavenger hunt. As for dishes, I have been sick for three days and you know what, I'm not sorry I skipped a day.
Obviously I'm still angry, but I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to cope. Leaving isn't always the best option, I stopped college almost half way through my Junior year to run off and marry him, my choice, not his, and of course it was dumb. I have no financial footing so before I can ever think of it, I have to finish my education and let's face it, in a divorce without actual evidence he would get joint custody. If he treats me like this, what's to say he will be any better to her in a few years? He already yells at her and gets extremely worked up. She's turning two next month. I hardly think she's deserved that harsh of treatment.
I can hear this sound every time there's a moment of silence in my life. The clock keeps ticking and it keeps reminding me with some cruel intentions, probably enjoying how it keeps me up at night.
I've had blogs before, nothing popular, just outlets for me and this one's no exception. My life keeps having bumps like everyone else's and things have taken more than unexpected turn. I need to write it all down.
My Husband came home from Afghanistan just over a year ago, and things are more than difficult. Does he have ptsd? Will he get help? No. Do I try every way possible to get him to reach out? Of course. The biggest issue of all that is...how it's affecting me and that may sound selfish but I cater to him and my daughter all the time and this place is for me. It's not the difficulty of the ptsd per say he was always an angrier person (as I was but I went to get help as a youngin') now though...it's like I've become a verbal punching bag. I try to hold on, but I'm going to be honest, my self esteem is no longer existent and I have no urge to leave the house. Now the blame isn't completely on him, as a woman I am no stranger to low self esteem and I have always much rather keep to myself (I am not anti social, most of my friends are in different cities/states/countries).
I miss the person I married almost three years ago, he believed it was a partnership that I was his equal and now I am a stupid f***ing liar, an annoying bitch, and the source of all his problems. I cry so much it's pathetic, that's what I am, pathetic. I will admit full out that I am not easy to deal with but despite how much I want to, I keep myself from saying hurtful things because I know what it feels like. I have never been a great housekeeper we got married when we were (and still are) young but I have been trying so much harder. I know he has tried to but he gives up for a few weeks then tries to try again, he points out if I don't do dishes, said if he had any actual control over me the toys would always be picked up and has just closed off from me completely. I'm not asking for advice or pats on the back, I'm telling this because God forbid something happens, there's something to say hey, this wasn't random, it's been going on. Just to point out though I pick up all those damn toys every night, I crawl around hunting for those blasted lego pieces like they're part of a scavenger hunt. As for dishes, I have been sick for three days and you know what, I'm not sorry I skipped a day.
Obviously I'm still angry, but I'm trying to hold on, I'm trying to cope. Leaving isn't always the best option, I stopped college almost half way through my Junior year to run off and marry him, my choice, not his, and of course it was dumb. I have no financial footing so before I can ever think of it, I have to finish my education and let's face it, in a divorce without actual evidence he would get joint custody. If he treats me like this, what's to say he will be any better to her in a few years? He already yells at her and gets extremely worked up. She's turning two next month. I hardly think she's deserved that harsh of treatment.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)